Monday, August 13, 2012

Why I remember...

(please excuse the organization of this blog entry...who knows if it makes sense)

There are 2 songs that remind me of Shane, "Here comes the sun" and "Have I told you lately." "Here comes the sun" was the first song played after Shane's memorial, and "Have I told you lately" was the song Mike and I played for him during the memorial service.

This morning I woke up and turned on the tv to here "Here comes the sun". While most of the time I smile when I hear these songs, sometimes it sparks an anger... Anger that life is the way it is. Sometimes I think the longer time has passed the more broken I become. It's the image of wondering what he would be like and what life should be like, that really gets to me. It's those thoughts I can't help but ponder because, after all, he was my baby and I remember everything that happened, almost 2 years ago, like yesterday.

Lately I've felt like my life has been a burden on some. Like I've annoyed and exhausted the idea of remembering him. Its made me feel like I just need to get over it and move on. But feeling like I need to forget is like mourning his death all over again. There is a little hope I get everyday when I wake up that perhaps this was all a huge nightmare, and it's the pain of reality that I have to fight everyday. The bottom line is, memory is all I's all I will ever have with Shane. Most parents can post pictures of their growing children, they get to experience everyday with them and watch them grow... I, however, will never have that with Shane. I truly hope that one day I will experience that joy that most parents have, what every parent deserves, and what life should be like. But even if I do get that life one day, that will never erase a life without my first born.

I'm not saying everyday I am depressed or angry at the world. I'm not asking for sympathy... I just want to be understood. I know that I have amazing friends and family who are so supportive of everything I feel and they accept me for they way things have to be. But sometimes it's the actions or words of those who don't that can really tear me apart.

I don't really know what sparked me to write on this blog today. Perhaps it was because I felt like I should apologize for any sadness I have imposed on others...I don't actually know... Sometimes writing is just therapeutic...

But, what it really comes down to is the people who do understand (well maybe understand is the wrong word, because I actually hope they don't understand, because no parent should understand what a loss of a child feels like.) Perhaps accepting is a better term. I am grateful to those who have been so accepting of our feelings. Those who have continued support us by remembering him through his foundation, those who text me pictures of dragonflies, and those who just tell me they thought of him today. I am grateful to those who just accept me for who I have become. I wish there was a manual on how to deal with a loss of a child, but there isn't and I'm truly, honesty doing the best I can...

Please don't think I am an angry person or that my entire life is advocating for my sons memory. Yes of course we don't want to forget him or to replace him in our life but we are grateful for the beautiful side of life too! I am so grateful to watch my friends' children grow and to see all the wonderful learning they do on a daily basis. Seeing them truly does warm my heart, and even though a part of me is sad Shane isn't here, like I've said before, life is still beautiful.

Today is what would have been Aiden Bailey's 2nd birthday. I remember this day 2 years ago... 2 years ago... Oh my Gosh! On this beautiful day, I ask that you take a minute to remember this beautiful baby boy and send prayers to his parents Angie and Kevin and little brother Kevie. Please give them the gift of memory and remember this sweet little boy. Aiden Kenneth Bailey- you will always be in our will always be missed... And you will always be remembered! We love you! Happy birthday, sweet Aiden!



Erin said...

I can relate so closely to what you have experienced. It seems like somehow we just hit rock bottom with sadness, like we really can't get any sadder. And we just keep going every day. You are a strong and loving mother. I hope your journey becomes easier.

Dana said...

Erin- I am so sorry for your loss. I hate that we can relate on this level, but I am grateful for your words. I wish for bright days in your future as well. xox

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