Friday, July 8, 2011

Life: Press Play

I'm ready to live life again, to see the world in color; I want to look forward to the future. For so many months I've felt frozen, like my life had been put on pause while everyone else's life went forward at full speed. I was fully coherent, I mean I saw everyone else's lives continue, but mine...mine was stuck and I didn't know how to get it going again.

I think the initial realization came when one of my best friends gave birth to her daughter in May. She had found out she was pregnant shortly after Shane had passed away and her pregnancy just seemed to fly. I remember when I was pregnant, thinking that time passed so slow, but watching her go through her pregnancy was like someone pressed the fast-forward button and BOOM, she was a mom.

It takes roughly 40 weeks to have a baby...40 weeks! It was roughly 40 weeks since Shane had passed away, and I couldn't remember anything but the month of September. My mind lived in that month for so long. All I was capable of doing was reliving those days with Shane over and over again. I look back on these days and realize I was living life by just going through the motions. To be honest, I can't remember half of the months that have passed. I was stuck grieving, I was scared to live life and I was missing my baby boy.

Grieving is a nasty thing! Right after Shane died, I remember wanting to fast-forward 6 months, so that the initial pain would be gone. I figured by 6 months things would be better. But like I said, grief is nasty and at 6 months, I hit rock bottom; the 6th month was the worst month for me. I couldn't figure out if I was sad, or angry, depressed, or all of the above. People would ask me how I was doing and sometimes all I could say was " I don't know". I remember asking Mike: "Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever know what it's like to genuinely laugh, rather than force myself to smile?" I was so scared that I would never feel those feelings again.

Today, as I write this I reflect on the passing 10 months. In 2 months will be Shane's 1st birthday and also my 29th. I feel like my 28th year has been lost, thrown into a world of oblivion;. I have no idea what it feels like to be 28. I mean, it's probably nothing special by any means, but I have no idea what it even feels like to say I'm 28 and truly believe it because the majority of my 28th year has been frozen in time.

Luckily for me, I have amazing people in my life who have been there for me/us through this difficult time in my/our lives. Our family and friends have stood by us and have helped us pick up the pieces to our shattered life. They have been patient and understanding and the most wonderful people in the world. So many people have shown their support of Shane's Foundation and they continue to wear their blue wristbands. To see Shane's wristband still being worn has meant so much to Mike and me. Shane's band has been seen in engagement photos and wedding ceremonies; I can't find the words to express our gratitude and how honored we feel that people would show their love for us and especially Shane in such a huge events in their private lives. I know that without the love and support from these wonderful people, I would not be able to find myself in the place where I am today.

Recently, I've started to see the beautiful colors of life again. I know that I see things much differently now, but I am also not the same person as I was before I had Shane. Shane will always be a part of my life, and I know that everyday for the rest of my life I will continue to miss him. I know I will never feel completely whole without him here with me, but I also know I can feel happy again. I realize that there will be days where I will be sad, but that's a part of me, and I don't want that to change. If you ask me about him, I will speak of him proudly, the worst thing we could do is forget him or try to pretend this didn't happen. I am so proud to be his mom and I am so grateful for the time I had with him. I know he is with me everyday and when I need him, in my heart is where I can find him. With my guardian angel by my side, I'm ready to press "play" on this thing I call, my life...


Angie said...

I am so proud of you. Living your life again is a scary decision to make, but no one will ever forget Shane's beautiful life. He is forever shining down on you, and is proud of you for keeping his name and memory alive. xo

Anonymous said...

I'm so proud of you D!! This is an amazing blog and a good way to get feelings out there... Shane is so proud of his mommy!! You have accomplished so much with you foundation and I know you will continue to pursue your passions!!! Love you D!! One day at a time!! :)

Amy said...

Shane is so proud to have you as a mom and I know he would want you to have happiness and joy and living in your life. You are very brave and inspire many with what you have done to celebrate Shane and allowing him to help others with his story.

Teri Kuwahara said...

I love you! Tears...XOXOX Mom

Auntie Sue said... take my breath away. You have shown me a life force within you that I did not imagine! I'm so very proud of you and Mike. I'm also so grateful that the colors around you have brightened once again. That you are no longer a spectator of life around you, but your canvas is vast and open to all the colors that you can bring to it...and I know that they are limitless. God bless you! I look forward to following your life as you press play. I love you!

Casey said...

D - I am so glad that you are writing out your thoughts and feelings, what a beautiful blog! There is never a day that goes by where I don't think about you and Shane and feel heart ache...I love you and am so happy to hear that you are ready to press play again! I hope you know how inspiring you are Dana, and not just to me but all of your friends and family and other mom's who have gone through the horrible experience of loosing a child. You are truly an amazing person and I'm so proud of you!

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