Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I should be there

I'm not going to lie and say it isn't hard to see other moms with their babies. I'm not going to pretend that it's not difficult to see children who are relatively the same age as Shane would be. Yes, life is getting better, but it doesn't mean that I don't have my days.

It's tough to be in this situation. To have to play this waiting game of when it will actually be our turn, I mean, we should be there right now. We should be parents to a rambunctious little boy named Shane; we should be making plans for his first birthday coming up in a month or so, but instead those plans are on hold until our next one. It's so hard, because we should be there! I went though the 38 weeks of pregnancy, the 10 hours of labor...I should be a mom! And I know in my heart I am a mom, I just don't feel like one.

Perhaps these feelings are coming from the fact that Shane's 1st birthday is nearly a month away, that this time last year I was pregnant about to celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary, so looking forward to being able to celebrate year 2 as a family. My friend Angie said the month out of Aiden's first birthday, she hit a wall, perhaps I have found that same obstacle that I need to overcome...

I know my life is happy or is at least getting there, but not a day goes by that I don't feel sad for what happened. Sometimes I get the feeling that some people think "Why isn't she over this already? He was just a baby" and to be honest, some people will just never get it. Yes, he WAS a baby and maybe he didn't live 5, 10, 20+ years of life, but he was MY baby who had 33 hours of life, but it was a still a life and he had my heart.

I wrote an entry about my Friends who allow me to feel the way I feel and how appreciative I am for them being there for us and never making me feel like this is something that I should "just get over". This experience has opened my world to a whole new set of people as well. People from all over the world, of all different ages and ethnicities. I've met some pretty remarkable women out there, who have had to deal with the same situation of losing a child. Where I've met them are through blogs and through baby loss organizations. If you have never had to go through something like this, or never really been affected by something like this, you may not know that there is a world of people who have had tragedy hit them too. No person is ever deserving of losing a baby, and I would not wish this upon anyone. But through it all it's been inspiring to me to read how other women have felt and how they have dealt and it's a support system for this shitty situation. Writing these blogs are a way for us to support each other and ourselves, so that we don't feel so alone. Some postings might be too hard for people to read, but perhaps to someone who truly needs the truth of the reality, it will help them to know they are not alone.

I started this blog to document things in my life, and right now this is my life. I write because it is my way of getting through this. I write because people ask how I am doing and sometimes this is the only way I can answer. I don't expect the world to read it, but if people want to, they are free to read about what goes on in my mind. I don't do this for sympathy, or for praise; I write because I want to, plain and simple! I don't intend to only write about the fact that I lost a son, but right now, this is what I am going through. Shane will always be mentioned in my posts because he is part of my life regardless of whether he is here physically or not.
I wish I could write about our trip to the park and how Shane slide down the slide today, but it's not my reality right now. The reality of today is that I am sad, because I just feel like I should be there already..


sea6606 said...

i <3 you dana...always have, always will. "friends are like stars, you may not always see them, but you know they are always there." I hope you know i am here, have been here, and will always be here for you and mike. i love you!

Heidi E said...

Sister! I will read your blog forever. I love reading it because I am constantly wondering how you and Angie are feeling/thinking. It breaks my heart but I like to know how you are doing.

On another note I HATE to think that you ever have to feel like someone thinks you should get over this. That is impossible. I will never get over the loss of the boys. You cannot be expected to, move forward sure, but never over. Moving forward is difficult enough but I know that Shane would want you to. By moving forward you are able to keep the memory of this precious little boy alive. You have made amazing progress over the last year and have shown what a strong woman you are. I know that Shane is so proud of his Mom. Everything you have done in his honor shows what a great Mother you are. I am amazed by you and your strength daily.

I love you sister. Keep on writing!!

Ripken & Mom said...

I think it makes you stronger to express these feelings. I know we were never super close and didn't get a chance to play with each other, but support will always be here from me to you. You are a mommy. You have an angel. One day you will write about your little one going down the slide and you will get to tell Shane all about it. I wish you luck and strength always.

Angie said...

I write in my blog for the same reason. It can become exhausting explaining to people over and over how you're having a horrible day because you miss your baby boy. So I write it down and get it out.

The next month or so is going to be rough, but you know I'm always here for you. xo

Teri Kuwahara said...

I love reading your blog because you put in to words what you don't often speak. I am so proud of you and Mike and your bravery. Shane's legacy will live on because of you and so much good will touch the lives of so many because of him. I cannot imagine the emotions you feel because I have not walked in your shoes, but I feel your pain. As a mom, I want to make everything better for you. Instinctively a mother always wants to make everything better for your child and that I feel, so much it hurts. Life is a miracle. This blog is wonderful because it helps everyone in your life, including me. I love you!

RachelAA said...

NEVER, never should you be expected to "just get over it". You ARE a mother and an amazing one at that. Writing truly is the best medicine. Keep it coming! Love you!
Rachel Anderson

Michelle said...

Hi Dana! I met you a few years ago at my place in T.O. and I think once in San Francisco too? Mike gave me the link to your blog after I read about your son (beautiful boy!) and I told him about my loss a few months ago. I know my loss isn't anywhere comparable to losing your son, but I am very much affected my loss in any form. I was a bit hysterical reading Shane's story. You are very much a mom and Mike is very much a dad. I blog a lot too, and have an almost two year-old son. I also shared the entire story of my loss on my blog. If you ever want to talk, email me! We've been trying to conceive since our loss with no luck so far, but we're hopeful. Hope all is well. Xo.

Michelle said...

p.s. I hope you never get over it. He should always be remembered and loved, and anyone to tell you otherwise is just plain wrong. You should be allowed to greive and celebrate his life forever.

Casey said...

Awee D... I will always keep reading your blogs, even if they make me sad it comes from a good place. I think in general friends often try to feel what their friends are feeling - it may be in different ways or forms, but it continues the bond between friends when you share your feelings and thoughts and I hope you always, always continue to do so. We all want to know what you're feeling and want to be here for you. I know this has been so hard to go through, but I hope you never ever stop writing about it and I know you and all of us will continue to celebrate Shane's life forever. :) And just for the record, if anyone ever tells you to get over this, I will punch them in the face.

Dana said...

♥ Thank you everyone!

Our family said...

So glad you are sharing your story ... your real story. I can certainly understnad much of what you wrote. I am so sorry for your loss and so encouraged what you are doing in your son's honor and memory.

Love and Blessings to you ~
Heather Dawn

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