Saturday, February 2, 2013

Can Someone Please Answer: why?

"Why?" ... The question that runs through my mind everyday... Constant questions like: "Why was my son born with a heart defect?" "Why did he have to go to heaven?" "Why are we forced to have all these medical expenses to not only cover the past, but to answer 'why haven't we been able to get pregnant?'" "Why?"

It's been something I haven't been willing to talk about. Perhaps it's because when you deal with constant disappointment, you begin to feel like a failure. You begin to ask "what is wrong with me/us?" "What horrible things did we do to deserve this?" "Will we ever be able to feel whole again?" As much as you want to keep telling yourself that there is a reason... You get to the point where you want to tell that inner voice of optimism to take a flippin' hike!

I'm not gonna sugar-coat my feelings... I feel like my friends' kids won't know mine because even if god gives us another baby, hopefully a happy & healthy one, the age gaps will be too large... I hate that awkward approach when people ask, "are you guys thinking about trying again?", its not that I hate the people asking or resentful; It's just hard to answer when a child is all we've wanted since before becoming pregnant with Shane. I get frustrated when people tell me that "we will have children" not because I don't want to hear it, but because I'm truly fearful it actually won't happen. I'm afraid of never being able to experience that true happiness again, the excitement of being pregnant, even the worry. With everything we've gone through, I don't understand what I have to do to be given a healthy child.

This past week I experienced the arrival of my first nephew. My sister-in-law gave birth in the same hospital that Shane was born in. I haven't been able to go near that hospital for almost 3 years and I wasn't sure I would be able to handle it when she went into labor. But when the day came for her to have him, I felt compelled to be there and I was able to walk into her room that was 2 doors down from where Shane entered the world. As I waited I couldn't help but wish to be in her shoes. Not that I wished she wasn't having a baby, I just remembered the exact feelings I had before having Shane and I just want to experience that again! The hardest part of this experience was not that though. The toughest part came when we saw the baby for the first time in the nursery right after he was born. I was so excited, as everyone was, but as a few minutes past and after I snapped a few pictures, I got an overwhelming sense of sadness. Not sad about the birth of my nephew, not jealous that he wasn't mine, but sad because at that moment I realized, Shane never got there! Immediately after Shane was born they took him to the NICU and our parents and family were never able to see him in that nursery, a place where he should have gone. At that moment my heart broke all over again and I felt time rewind back to those minutes of raw emotion and I couldn't handle being present in that place. The last thing I wanted was to bring my sadness to this beautiful event.

I met Jack Henry McCusker the very next day when I returned to the hospital after work. There were so many things about being back there that reminded me of my experience there, but seeing his face for the first time up close, my heart was overwhelmed with pure happiness. Jack is such a beautiful baby and when I think about his face he makes me smile. Though he is not my child, he is my nephew and he has stollen a piece of my heart and for the first time I was able to make a wonderful association with being in that exact hospital in that exact floor.

I was sent a picture yesterday of Jack on his way home from the hospital tucked in Shane's blanket. It made me sad yet happy, especially when Katia told me that Jack was fussy before being given Shane's blankie! I wish more than anything Jack and Shane could grow up together. I wish Shane was here being a crazy 2 year old! But unfortunately that is not our reality.

As much as I want to tell my inner optimism to jump off a cliff... I have to hold on, even if by a very thin string, that maybe one day that part of my "why?" Will be answered with "because this is the right child for you!" Just trying to hold on to that hope!!!!!!


RachelAA said...

Beautiful, Dana! You are everything Shane needs. You are a wonderful mother and now a fabulous Aunt. Thinking of you always.

Anonymous said...

I just found this blog while looking at pictures Sean is showing me of Jack. I won't say I know how you feel, but I will say that I share what you feel. When Jack was born, the second thing I thought of was Shane. He is always in my heart and the grief will never leave. When we first heard I was pregnant I was filled with love and fear. I knew this was what I wanted, but I also knew I was opening myself up to the possibility of intense pain. That is the risk we take when we decide to fall in love or have children. What if I lost my husband?what if my child was hurt or if I lost him? How could I go on? I have not suffered the intense loss that you have, but I hope you will feel, more and more, that there is the possibility of love.
Love, Maggie

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