I should be there

I'm not going to lie and say it isn't hard to see other moms with their babies. I'm not going to pretend that it's not difficult to see children who are relatively the same age as Shane would be. Yes, life is getting better, but it doesn't mean that I don't have my days.

It's tough to be in this situation. To have to play this waiting game of when it will actually be our turn, I mean, we should be there right now. We should be parents to a rambunctious little boy named Shane; we should be making plans for his first birthday coming up in a month or so, but instead those plans are on hold until our next one. It's so hard, because we should be there! I went though the 38 weeks of pregnancy, the 10 hours of labor...I should be a mom! And I know in my heart I am a mom, I just don't feel like one.

Perhaps these feelings are coming from the fact that Shane's 1st birthday is nearly a month away, that this time last year I was pregnant about to celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary, so looking forward to being able to celebrate year 2 as a family. My friend Angie said the month out of Aiden's first birthday, she hit a wall, perhaps I have found that same obstacle that I need to overcome...

I know my life is happy or is at least getting there, but not a day goes by that I don't feel sad for what happened. Sometimes I get the feeling that some people think "Why isn't she over this already? He was just a baby" and to be honest, some people will just never get it. Yes, he WAS a baby and maybe he didn't live 5, 10, 20+ years of life, but he was MY baby who had 33 hours of life, but it was a still a life and he had my heart.

I wrote an entry about my Friends who allow me to feel the way I feel and how appreciative I am for them being there for us and never making me feel like this is something that I should "just get over". This experience has opened my world to a whole new set of people as well. People from all over the world, of all different ages and ethnicities. I've met some pretty remarkable women out there, who have had to deal with the same situation of losing a child. Where I've met them are through blogs and through baby loss organizations. If you have never had to go through something like this, or never really been affected by something like this, you may not know that there is a world of people who have had tragedy hit them too. No person is ever deserving of losing a baby, and I would not wish this upon anyone. But through it all it's been inspiring to me to read how other women have felt and how they have dealt and it's a support system for this shitty situation. Writing these blogs are a way for us to support each other and ourselves, so that we don't feel so alone. Some postings might be too hard for people to read, but perhaps to someone who truly needs the truth of the reality, it will help them to know they are not alone.

I started this blog to document things in my life, and right now this is my life. I write because it is my way of getting through this. I write because people ask how I am doing and sometimes this is the only way I can answer. I don't expect the world to read it, but if people want to, they are free to read about what goes on in my mind. I don't do this for sympathy, or for praise; I write because I want to, plain and simple! I don't intend to only write about the fact that I lost a son, but right now, this is what I am going through. Shane will always be mentioned in my posts because he is part of my life regardless of whether he is here physically or not.

I wish I could write about our trip to the park and how Shane slide down the slide today, but it's not my reality right now. The reality of today is that I am sad, because I just feel like I should be there already..